Here's to you, Mr. Client Who Doesn't Have a Clue
I think one of the best radio campaigns that I have ever heard is Bud Light's "Real Men of Genius" series. The most recent one I heard was honoring "Mr. T-Shirt Launcher Inventor". This post is my own salute to some of the clients that I have had over the years. Even though all of these are referred to as men, the clients could be of either gender:
Here's to you, Mr. Drunken Guy Who Calls Me Each Night to Curse My Name Because Your House Isn't Selling. You, sir, are a class act. In person, you are meek and mild, but come nightfall, your whiskey brings a bravery unmatched by any man. I love the time that I was trying to spend time with my wife, yet I had to spend my time talking you down and setting you straight. The day we closed on your "gentleman's ranch" (how ironic) was the final day that I saw you, and happily so. Gentleman? Not hardly.
A special paragraph is reserved for you, Mr. Amalgam of Clients Who Say One Thing Then Do Another. You are among my favorites. You say that you won't have time to meet, then you call and give me three minutes notice to come meet you at a house that you are sitting in front of. Drop everything? Why not? You are spending a lot of money after all. You are loyal when it suits you and disloyal whenever the heck you feel like it. Your ability to lie to my face is admirable.
This post wouldn't be complete without including you, Mr. I Am Absolutely Willing To Blow the Deal Over Nothing. Perhaps you are the guy who almost ruined a multi-million dollar ranch sale over the deer feeders. Maybe you are the client who gets a deal thousands of dollars under your wildest dreams, only to ask for a little bit more and risk losing the home that your wife has made imminently clear that she wants. Either way, you are a moron, plain and simple.
I almost forgot about you, Mr. Guy Who Clearly Knows More Than I Do, Even Though I Have Spent the Past 11 Years of My Life Selling Homes. You question my every move, even though I have given you no reason to do so. You are convinced that you know more than I do about the current market conditions, or what constitutes a "good deal" today. You take a ridiculous amount of time to review documents, scouring them in order to find where I am taking advantage of you. You will not be receiving a Christmas card or any form of follow up from me. Take your business elsewhere.
Lastly, I would like to address you, Mr. Man Who Asked for Some of My Commission Just Before Signing the Builder's Paperwork. You are in a class by yourself. When you asked, "What did you do to earn your commission?", I had no choice but to laugh in your face, considering how much time I spent with you and your irritating spouse. I should have known that you would back out on three contracts before finally purchasing a home for half the price. Clearly, you are not in my database, as I would like to forget your name and face. Not only do I not want to deal with you, I don't even want you to refer business to me, because your friends probably act the same way.
This post didn't take me very long to write at all - why waste much time on you guys? You certainly didn't spend a lot of time caring about me or my work on your behalf.